The thing I’ve learned about being a submissive is that it doesn’t mean I never lead, or that I’m not good at it. In fact, I’m pretty great at it. I am confident and assertive and opinionated as fuck. At work, I’m happy to be running the meeting, teaching the class, or tactfully telling the boss’s boss he’s wrong. More and more, being in control is part of the job.
But I’ve found that sometimes I take control when it’s not required, even in my romantic relationships. It seems to happen when there’s uncertainty. If I don’t feel a strong Dominant presence—if the other person isn’t decisive, confident, and trustworthy—I will move into that role myself. I abhor a power vacuum. I don’t know what to do with myself when it happens. And rather than swimming around in all that uncertainty, I resolve it. Quickly.
This is why I don’t always come across as very submissive. I’ve gotten very good at deciding for myself. And frankly, I’m a bit out of practice at letting someone lead. But also, the person has to feel solid and sure. They have to resolve the uncertainty, or I will jump in and do it for them.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my high school girlfriend—a time when I was up to my eyeballs in uncertainty. We were 14 the first time I kissed her, and I can’t really remember now what gave me the confidence to do that. I just remember feeling like I wasn’t going to let her leave that party until I knew what her lips tasted like. I took her by the hand and pulled her into the quiet and the dark away from others, and I kissed her. I kissed her.
For the next four years, I was often in control of how we moved forward. I asked her to Homecoming. I made moves to kiss her, and I made moves for more. I got her dressed up and took her out. When we entered some new territory, it was almost always me nudging us along.
It wasn’t lack of interest on her part. She was clear about her feelings. But she didn’t want to take the lead. Frankly, I didn’t either. But with all that uncertainty, it felt like things might never happen if I didn’t take the lead. So when I stepped up, she was happy to let me. And I think that’s why it never quite worked with her, as much as I always thought it should.
I’ve been thinking a lot about that, and how sometimes I find myself doing the same thing in dating. Only now I am a submissive looking for a Dominant. So taking control is kinda sorta shooting myself in the foot. It’s not what I want. So I’m trying to get comfortable with the uncertainty inherent in dating. I don’t want to jump into the power vacuum before my potential partner has the chance to. If I do, the whole thing is sunk. So I’m trying to be patient, to give them time to take the lead.
Even early on, there are little ways a person can show a desire to lead. And once I feel those, I can relax. I suggest, rather than deciding. I defer, rather than questioning. The uncertainty subsides, and I feel my submissiveness bubbling to the surface. I am so eager to follow, once I know that someone worthy has stepped up to lead.
